so i havent written in this thing in a LONG time.
nothing really has been going on. i decided to get my grandma, brother, dad,  and stepmom something for christmas and drop it off at their house tomorrow but after some of the things my mom said, it brought me back to reality.
so i dont think im going to anymore. i should just leave things alone as they are.

i basically got money for christmas and my birthday and spent it all on my family and friends.
my mom got kind of pissed off about that but oh well im used to not having any money for things anyways.

today i refused to wake up till 1:30 and then i layed in my bed for an extra hour out of depression.
my mom got mad because she knew i was depressed but instead of saying sorry for some of the things she said last night she decided to gripe at me about how i need to get up and asking me what my problem is.

i really miss talking to lacey and michael. they used to be the people i talked to the MOST and now they are the people i talk to the least. i dont blame them i mean people get older and grow apart but i just never thought thatd happend with us 3.

basically my christmas eve is going to suck and i guess its my own fault.

Merry Christmas everyone.

So today my mom taught me how to drive.
Even though i had already had michael, adam, tim, and matt teach me how before.
But she doesnt know that so we will keep it on the DL. Yeah but it went pretty well. She made me drive in a parking lot so it was kind of lame and boring but eh oh well. Michael and Tim let me drive in a neighborhood and Matt let me drive home from Tims on a rainy night. So i guess that makes up for the fact that my mom didnt let me.
Danny offered to let me drive his car when i told him about me learning how to drive. Btw i can not WAIT till danny gets back!
 I know its just driving but its pretty exciting for me considering i never get to do anything out of the ordinary.

So on saturday i had Shelby come over and we went to that one HUGE church thats always on tv, I think its called Lakewood or something. But anyways, there was this one guy that was across from us, which was A FREAKING LONG WAYS AWAY, that got REALLY into the songs. lmfao it was hilarious because, yeah everyone was getting into it but this one man was like swaying from side to side and like reaching his arms out as if god could physically touch him or something and it was just funny. Then there was this one girl in a VIBRANT pink sweater that had her arms up above her in the shape of a diamond and she looked like an egg. ahaa, Shelby and i are so mean...OH WELL. I'm pretty sure its because we had a tall double chocolate chunk frapachino right before we got there. hahaah we were laughing the whole time.
After that we went to this one Barry's pizza place and it was GLORIOUS. ahaa they had good food.
Then we came back home and went to sleep.

Sunday Shelby and i woke up, went to go get doughnuts, and then i had to clean my room and my bathroom. After that we went over to Shelbys, RIGHT after we got there Tim arrived and we all three went swimming ^__^. Tim left around 10 and then Shelby and i just hung out for a while. I got to make a new account on harvest moon ^___^;;;; it was so much fun.

Today we just hung out around Shelbys house and then Tim came over around 2 and we hung out for a bit. Then i got my mom to come and pick me up a few hours after Tim got there so that they could have their alone time...I kind of felt like i was inturrupting the whole time i was there. I probably shouldnt have spent the night because it would have left them to have alone time after i left last night and then again today... :\.

Well anyways, i havent really hung out with people in a few days besides Shelby and Tim. Ive also really gotten into the anime Elfen Lied, its pretty cool.

I DONT WANT SCHOOL TO START.

i wana party.
i dont want to go back to school.
and i had the most amusing talk with dion and his sister at 3:30 this morning.

I WANT A DAMN FIONE GUY. 
and yes i like typing big like this.

look at our vagina faces!
WE SO HOT.

i hope i don't end up like her.
i hope i NEVER make the same mistakes that she does.
i hope i never pass up perfect oportunities like she has time and time again.
i hope i never have regrets like she does everyday.
i want my relationship problems with my dad to end.
i want to be smart and ambitious, but living with her makes me not even want to try to suceed in life, in fear of being declined of jobs and a good life.
i hope i never go through as many guys as she has.
i want to find happiness and not let it go like she has.
i want to set a good example for my kids and not have 384721346 different guys over different week nights. only for my child to like them, get attached, then it not work out between us, like she has done.

i want to be able to help people and feel that i have.
i want my trust issues to go away.
i want my issues with myself to go away.
i want someone to love me for me, not for something they want me to be.
i just want to have a cute-loving relationship with someone that wont break my heart.

is all this too much to ask?

I AM FAT.

I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT, LIKE 20 POUNDS!

if i take a deep breath.

off to go eat with cindy!

[and yes i know you cant read it.]